Top 10 Ways to Tell Someone that He is being a Douche

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Douchebags are everywhere. While some are quintessential douches, others are the seasonal ones. Possessing a doctoral degree in pissing people off, a douche can be a real pain in ass. We try our best to avoid them, but in an eerie unfailing manner, they make their inevitable presence felt in our lives. They might be our boss, our college professor, mother-in-law, lab partner, or the coffee guy. Humans have put in extensive research into ways of dealing with jerk-heads, but with no remarkable success other than packing bags and moving to Himalayas. The only way to turn the world into a douche free place is by confronting every douche that they are one.  It takes a great deal of confidence and sense of responsibility in handling the enormous task, but it is a huge step towards world peace. No person in this world realizes he’s being a douche, unless he’s told so. Here is a list of 10 effective ways to tell a person he’s being one:

10. Keep it gentle

keep it gentle

While there might be a dire need to tell the person that his behavior is getting out of bounds, there is no need to do it the tough way. If the douche happens to be a smartass, you can drop hints for him to notice. If he’s not (sadly which is the case most often), then say it to him in a gentle manner. Say things like, “I know it hurts, but everyone is a douche at some point of time in life”. You can also tell them that they are the nicest and the kindest douchebag you know, if that helps. Another way to put it is that you slip the acknowledgment between daily sentences. For instance, “Hey, had your breakfast? Just so you know, you are one pathetic idiot. Can you turn off the heater? Thanks. Where did you get that pretty dress from?

9. Make him relate

relate to other douches

It’s not easy to make a douche realize how annoying his actions can be. Alternatively, what you can do is make him relate his actions to other douches. Often, a person doesn’t seem to notice his own infuriating behavior but seldom are the chances that he misses someone else’s. Say things like “Remember the time when you snorted like the class bully” or “Last night I caught up an interview of an asshole, and man he did sound just like you!” More they happen to hate the douche you’re quoting, more is the success rate!

8. Use sarcasm

use sarcasm

Coming up with witty one liners can annoy the douche. If you are really irritated with this person and want him totally out of your life, sarcastic one-liners prove to be very helpful. Saying “How can I miss you if you don’t go away?” or “Detecting trace amounts of mental activity, possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer” can help. For some, it might seem appalling to say such things at first but there is no need to get guilt ridden. The best thing you can do for a douche is make him realize that he’s being one. Nobody is born a douche, and your sincere efforts might help him undo it and save many from the imminent headache.

7. Say it with silence

say it with silence

A douche flourishes when people pay attention to him. For obvious hints and lesser headaches, start ignoring him. Direct their calls to the answering machine, keep them on your ‘offline’ list. The douche will definitely try to get your attention, but simply sigh away or sign out whenever he starts annoying. And whatsoever happens never ever get into an argument with a douche, as you see douchiness can be contagious. The idiot will drag you down to his level. This trick might take some time, but it would occur to him gradually.

6. You+bag=douchebag

douche bag

If dropping hints is not working out, and you are annoyed way too much with this pest for life, then this act might do wonders. Gift him a real douche bag, with some pretty flowers. Write ‘Their name+Bag=Douchebag’ over it and have it delivered at their address. While doing this, make sure you send it to the correct person and don’t forget to put in their favorite flowers (It’s always good to be generous). And yeah, the best part is delivery can be totally anonymous!

5. Douche merchandise

douche merchandise

Banking on the growing community of douches and the people who are annoyed with them, some companies have come up with ideas to cash out the commodity. Gift your favorite douche a “You’re a douche” T-shirt or “What a jerk you have been” coffee mug. It’s all available in market. Yeah, it could cost you a pretty penny, but we believe it is totally worth the effort.  It might be difficult for the douche to handle the acknowledgement at first, but seeing a bright T-shirt with a matching handbag might help.

4. Use a foreign language

use a foreign language

The problem in telling a person that he’s being a douche is not the speech but the surprise element of their response later. The best strategy to make the douche realize while also saving your life from the post-calamity can be this.  Say it in a language not known to the douche. For instance, if he’s an English speaker, utter in Spanish “usted es una bolsa de ducha” or in French “vous êtes un douche”. Say it politely, or give it in writing, whatever you do, do it in a manner that they realize it is important enough to be translated.  Just be certain to make a quick exit, because you probably won’t benefit from waiting to see them fire back.

3. Hand over a Douche Card

douche card

After dealing with idiots and psychopaths for a long time, a group of very innovative and jobless people came up with the idea of the ‘Douche cards’. You don’t have to say it anymore, you just hand over one of these things to the douche. Here’s what the manufacturer has to say about the product:

Tired of arguing with complete morons? Tired of getting into bar room brawls? Well now avoid the confrontation with our glorious Douche Card. Simply hand it to the douche in question and walk away. Problem solved.”

Short, sweet, and to the point. Well, totally nailed it.

2. Say it with a song

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

When you have to say it, why not do it with a melody? Anything seems pleasing when said through a song. Here is an excerpt from a song by Kim Stoockwood, called “jerk”, which might help:

“How I’ve waited for today
When I could finally say

You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don’t work

Sometimes I wish I’d mailed you that letter
That said the things I dare not say
Instead I set the thing on fire
I had to say this outloud anyway

I’m so glad I found the nerve
To say what you deserve

You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don’t work”

Also, make them listen to “You’re a douche” from the Two and a half men series. Gift a CD or sing out loud for your dear douche. Cheerful, charming and easy!


just do it

Go upto them, face them in the eye, and say it! This might seem the most daunting thing at first, but believe us it’s for the greater good of humanity. They need to know it and you’re doing it just right. No need to feel all guilty or worried about it. In fact, if you happen to find a group of like minded people (not difficult, douchiness easily pisses off people), then you can do it in a group as well. Arrange a small gathering, and have an intervention against the douche, classic ‘How I met you mother’ style.

Disclaimer: The author is in no way responsible for any course of events/injury/yelling/thrashing whatsoever happens after adopting the above plans of action. They have been published for the upliftment of mankind. Implement them at your own risk. We would be glad to hear back from those who did.

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1 Comment

  1. blamethevictim

    July 29, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Okay, how about this: You are a mother-fucking, cunt-faced douche. Quit using the internet as an outlet for your overflowing, nausea-inducing douchery and kill yourself. Or at least get gang-raped by unwashed men on a public bus (I hear that’s popular over there in the World’s armpit).

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