Top 10 Things I’d do if Animals could Talk

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When I see this topic, I get reminded of a quote I read recently by Mark Twain:

“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”

Though I am not completely in favour of the implied character-categorisation of the said animals, but he got it spot on with the behaviour. Most people reading this article would have someday (or a few seconds back) pondered over the situation where animals communicated in a language we humans understood. Though there’s not much room for speculation as we have seen (and adored) those really cute animation movies which attempt to bridge the gap using purely their imagination and some basic behavioural science verified by Biologists. I am not saying everything would be a bed of roses and we’d finally have world peace (rather, I think otherwise), but it certainly would be a much more interesting scenario.

Imagine what an amazingly chaotic world it’d be! All the male penguins would whine about their cramps and pains during childbirth, and sympathize with male sea-horses making an fb page on “you know you are pregnant when…” All the rats would continue to irritate me with my impersonations like I suspect they always do, only this time I’d get it and be more furious. Animal fairs would be considered something on the lines of “human trafficking” and would be banned. There would no longer be human domination and humans would be shown their real place on earth. The cow would be the silent spectator and wouldn’t still revolt against their meaningless mass slaughter, except when you take away their food, because then, they’d get really mad.  The horses would be like the party goons who run around without any care in the world and have fun by bullying.

But if it were left to me, and assuming I get to make all the important decisions of the world (because you know it’s my hypothesis), I’d definitely do the following with them:

10. Bitch about human beings

bitching burns no calories

Since Humans absolutely adore bitching about other human beings, it’d be fun to get an out-species’ perspective on that. I’m so sure one animal that’d really be over-enthusiastic about this thing would be those snobby cats! They always seem to be judging their surroundings and having a hidden smirk on them. Parrots can sure talk a lot too (no hypothetical topics like these needed!).

 09.  Form a legendary Investigation-and Rescue Team like the Rescue Rangers, or Bolt!


Who can forget the cool Ninja Turtles, or the Swat Kats- saving the world with all their amazing skills and technical prowess? I’d like to have a team with lightning-swift brains and the heightened senses that the animals generally possess- ability to detect specific smells miles away like Dogs (And now, they’d even be able to tell us the name of the person the smell belongs to!), ultra and infra-sonic sound hearing capabilities like Bats or Dolphins, and literally the eagle-eye! Think of all the money I’d be saving on mindlessly expensive, unreliable and environmentally disastrous machines for the same things.

08. Ask about evolution and discuss science, philosophy and meaning of life!


We all know how humans evolved from monkeys, who in turn, evolved from snakes and birds, who came from the fishes, who themselves came from Bacteria. Now this is what we theorized would have happened which made sense. But, It’d make more sense to just ask those animals out there (our supposed ‘ancestors’) if they knew what exactly happened. And while we are at it, we could ask what body mechanisms octopus uses to so brilliantly camouflage from its enemies, or the aerodynamics of the fastest bird in air. Their knowing more science than us (and still being so peaceful) is a strong possibility.

07. Make a new Film Industry called- Hollyzood!


Holly’zoo’d! Get it? Hah. I’m writing about talking animals. Don’t dare ask me what I’m smoking right now. But this would be an interesting project to undertake- a project where the animals control and make inputs for the script and snakes carry the camera for a “slithering” cinematography. Also, ask how cats handle all the adulation and fame after starring in so many viral videos of them chasing their tails!

06. Ask all the house pests, esp. mosquitoes, that what exactly their problem is!


Now that all the pesticides and insect repellents seem to be effective only in repelling humans, it’d finally be easier to rightfully claim your ownership and drive those slimy, little ugly creatures (who scare the hell out of you by appearing out of nowhere) out of your house. I’d just respectfully ask them what they want exactly and if they’d be more comfortable if they had their own houses like dogs have kennels, so that both of us can live peacefully. And I’d finally be able to understand what all those mosquitoes have been trying to sing to me all those bloody nights.

05.  Have a friendly conversation with the Dolphins!


With the entire world getting paranoid over Dolphins taking over the world, I really want to know what it is really behind that perennial annoying smiley face. Are they really hatching that magnanimous plan in their language, saying-“Yeah, Laugh and cuddle us humans, you are going to be dead soon.”

04. Have a parliamentary discussion with the most intellectual representatives from all the species.


I know it might sound a bit geeky, but I can’t help knowing who’s the most intellectual of them all. Of course, the owls are portrayed as the good ol’ clever grandfather-like figures across a lot of folklore, but imagine if the smartest of them turn out to be a Warthog! I mean, apart from breaking all the Walt Disney stereotypes, it could even turn out that they have been having serious world invasion talks with the Aliens from Andromeda!

03. Find out whether Animals have racial biases too.


I don’t believe that such deeply ingrained psychology is just anthropogenic. There must be ways that the white Cat somehow thinks that he has a life more than the black cat. May be black cats are out-casted for crossing roads because that might bring downfall to the entire feline clan!

02. Organise an orchestra with the Penguins.


If it is actually a song that fulfils a Penguin’s point of existence, maybe we all ought to have one (which we would, as soon as we know what is it exactly that they sing?!). Plus, I have always wanted to know if those Catalan penguins are as cool as shown in Happy Feet! Also, would crows rap?! (Alert: deeply racist joke, ought to be taken with a sack of salt :P)

01. Ignite a real World War!


Doesn’t it drive you mad not to know who would win if all the animals were to fight each other in equal capacity? I mean, yeah they might be doing that in those jungles too, but what if we add humans and talking toucans to it. Would the animals of a particular region…say Savannah stick together, or they part ways to support their brotherhood from Amazon? Would African Elephants get together with their Indian counterparts and kick everyone’s ass? I’d especially be listening to all the Galapagos Tortoises recounting their grandfathers’ times from the Triassic Era, where they’d fight with the dinosaurs and Pterodactyls, and how this generation doesn’t know how to fight and just believed in tweeting and liking rebellious statuses of their allies!

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A dedicated fun-enthusiast who wants to take over the World (for the fun of it!).

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